Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Uwe Boll

I had this idea to make other movie related columns to make this site more then just some person ranting on movies. So now, with this idea, I will have a site that has a person ranting on movies AND directors. I know that the common person in the United States does not put much thought into the directors, and in all honesty, they should. However, most fine citizens of the United States rely more on actors (Tom Cruise) and their religions (Scientology) and their personal life as guides to how good a movie will be. I am not condemning watching movies just for an actor, I do it on occasion, but as a rule of thumb, directors tend to be more important.

To kick off my director "spot light" column, I decided that I would use a man who was the butt of a joke from my Aristocrats review, because I figured some people might not get it, and could use this as an easy way to figure it out.
Uwe Boll! Yes, that man right above. Just look at that smile. You think a man who has never created a movie worth shit on a stick would have trouble smiling so innocently. No, really. I would not even trade my own shit for one of his films. I would rather suck my own dick then give him a penny. Hell, I would rather suck his dick. I would rather suck both dicks and swallow. Before I go any further, I would like to point out that he has a problem dealing with critics, so just incase he finds this, no, I am not really going to suck your dick. I'm sorry. Not even a little.

A little history to start us out, the man was born in Wermelskirchen, Germany. I tell you this, because out of all the places on the globe, that is the place that most likely hates him the most, meaning it is most likely the last place you will find him if you want to get away. He later went on to go to get his doctorate in literature in places I refuse to name for I do not want to harm their reputations (if it really is that important, I will put an IMDb link).

Some other bits of information:
Boll challenged several of his critics to a boxing match that would be put into one of his films (Postal). Being trained in boxing, he naturally beat up the critics (told you he had a terrible way of dealing with critics). I mean, what kind of baby is the man that he resorts to beating up people because of bad reviews? Pathetic.

Has a very creepy obsession with making movies bent on ruining the possibility of the video games they were based on ever getting rights to sequels.

According to IMDb, four of his more well known films are on the 100 worst movies list. I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure his newest suck-orgy-piece-of-shit, "In the Name of the King: I Suck Dick" is on that list with the rest of its bretheren.

This really isn't anything official (honestly I am just making this up because it would make since to me) but I am pretty sure he gives handjobs to all male actors in his films, because even the biggest sell outs could not possibly agree to take part in one of his softcore interacial gayfests he calls film.

Most Well Known Films Include: House of the Dead, Alone in the Dark, BloodRayne, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

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