Monday, August 11, 2008

Curse of the Cannibal Confederates (1982; Tony Malanowski)

Okay, before I step anywhere near this review, I just want to point out that this is a Troma release. I want to stress that very carefully. For those who don't know Troma, they release the shittiest quality films just because they are too ridiculous to let die with VHS.

No, that is not a shitty still from the film, that is what it really looks like. I know it almost seems unfair to review a Troma film so harshly, but for the safety of non-Troma fans, I must go on.

I am going to make this short and sweet. We follow three couples (that is six people) on a hunting/picnic adventure that they apparently do quite often. However, the men decide (they are so brave) that they would rather take a new trail then retread the same tired path over and over
. They happen to stumble upon a church with a graveyard... zombies... end.

Okay, I must stress this again, that is really what the film looks like. Once night strikes, the film becomes an orgy of indecipherable masses flailing about. That becomes exceedingly annoying when we are forced to watch zombies rise out of the ground for roughly ten minutes. That's right. We are shown pictures of people in masks standing up for ten minutes. There is a reason that most good zombie movies either never show that or only show it for a brief few seconds. The reason being that it is fucking boring.

Pretty much the rest of the film is trying to guess what you can see through the darkness. If any of you have the pleasure of going through this wonderful piece of cinema, try looking for Waldo, he might be there for all I know.

Note: There is one certain point in the movie that does bring about a sense of unease. It is during a point where, as far as I could tell, the zombies were eating some people, and the only thing you could hear was slurping and chewing for anywhere from five to ten minutes. It made me cringe, which is more then most decent horror movies can say, even if it is for a ridiculous reason. So after saying that...

Score: 1/5

Notes: Chomping, Slurping, Asians (Yes, Asians)

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