Sunday, August 10, 2008

Murder-Set-Pieces (2004; Nick Palumbo)

Still dumping old reviews out at you...

Sideburns. If you could sum up any movie that easily, you could know what to avoid and what to watch. Well, with this movie, you can. Sideburns.

Our unnamed lead (Sven Garrett) is a photographer working in Las Vegas. He is a very big sideburn.

Let me try again. Our unnamed sideburn…

Our unnamed lead (Sideburns)…

Our unnamed lead (Sven Garrett) is a photographer working in Las Vegas. When he is not “working”, his days consist of killing. Well, really, when he works, he just kills. This movie is getting really hard to write about.

Ok, our guy (You know his name already) pretends to be a photographer so he can kill girls. That is it. The movie follows Sven’s sideburns around Vegas as he finds naked women and kills them. I have no problem with naked women, and I have no problem with slashy movies. I do have a problem with it being very unimaginative. All the deaths were never shown. This movie, wanting to be one of the goriest movies out there, cuts out during all the deaths. They aren’t even exciting pre-deaths, they are just your average, everyday pre-deaths.

As I watched the first few pre-deaths, I realized that most of the money for this film must have gone into showing boobies. I could think of no other reason for it to cut out as much as it did. I only remember seeing one interesting pre-death, but the rest of the film was so dull and mind destroying, I forgot what it was. I think it had something to do with teeth.

If you want exciting deaths, or even pre-deaths, you can pretty much watch any other movie where someone dies and at least get an equivalent to this film. That's right, even Bambi. If you want boobies, just watch a porno. If you want death and boobies, just watch zombie porno. It is out there. If you want sideburns, then this movie will absolutely blow your mind.

Edit: My review is on the apparently edited copy of this film, which would explain the existence of the pre-deaths. I am not one-hundred percent sure if my copy is actually the edited one or not, but if I assume it is, the gore would still not make up for the terrible ending of the film which I never brought up because I had so many other complaints. I hate children in film. Obviously I could point out movies that I loved where children are in them, but as a general rule, they suck. Keep them away.

This film was also the subject to boatloads of hype about how gory it was and how it was banned in some location I do not remember at this time (use IMDb if you need to know that badly, you lazy people). I can't imagine why that is so, so cut it out. Even with these added notes, that doesn't sway my opinion in either direction, giving it a final of...

Score: 1/5

Notes: Nudity, Sideburns, Nudity

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