The Last Exorcism (2010; Daniel Stamm)

How could I have passed up a screening of this? Knowing my tendency towards all things Eli Roth and mockumentary, the idea of combining the two was just too sweet for me to pass up. I needed a few days to reflect on my exact reactions, but now I think I got them reined up.


Raised to be a minister, Cotton Marcus has been deeply seated in the church community for almost his entire life. Events have unfolded over the years that make him question whether or not being a pastor is his true calling, but he sticks with it for the time being to help people with his natural gift to entertain. He decides to let a small documentary crew accompany him on his final exorcism before he announces his retirement to reveal to the public just how fake it all is.

People can take this movie a lot of ways. It could easily be seen as a heavy handed swing against religion, or even a final revelation that maybe there are truths to be had in the supernatural. Peoples bias on the subject (including mine) will sway their opinion one way or the other, but I really don't think that was the intentions of the film. I think, like other projects attached to Roth, this is a film for enjoyment.

Let me explain. I was so torn on some aspects of the film as they felt as sort of a betrayal to the mockumentary movement. I have fully explained my opinion on what they should and should not consist of (here, here, here, here, etc...), but this experience showed me a little bit of a different light (similar to that of Cloverfield). The Last Exorcism contains both CGI and a musical score. Now normally I found those things so distracting in mockumentaries that I never really felt they had a place in what was supposed to be a reflection of the real world. Something to me really clicked in this one, though. The score highlighted the events properly without taking over and the CGI, while a stretch, really can't be held against the film for realism if I allow the score.

So what is this? This was a piece constructed to be entertainment. They wanted to make a movie that utilized the strengths of mockumentaries and the strengths of more standard fiction movies. It may still seem sort of incompatible, but watch it and see if it really is that much of a problem.

On other notes, the light-hearted tone through large portions of the film help lean your opinion towards the entertainment part of the realism vs. entertainment argument and it has been a long time since such a solid lead has been seen in a mockumentary. Seems like I haven't really found a lead so compelling to follow in a mockumentary since the Blair Witch Project itself, and that is something special. The only part I have to dock heavily for is the CGI-laden ending, because despite leniency for the CGI, the ending will definitely leave most people a little stunned.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Eli Roth.

Pandorum (2009; Christian Alvart)

My life is once again filled with classes and stress, so the intervals between reviews will increase. On the bright side, however, a few friends and myself decided to sit down and make a pact between us. During the year 2010, we will all watch three hundred films we've never seen and no less. This also gives us motive enough to do the other thing we wanted which is to try and be a little more fair. We've always neglected certain areas of cinema and skipped releases we "knew" were going to be awful, so this is our chance to turn that around. So while watching all these films will give me even less free time, what time I have I should be able to squeeze out a review or two because lord knows I'll have enough material to write about.


The earth is suffering extreme overcrowding, resources are low, and all that boring stuff. The solution? A shuttle sent out into space found a planet almost identical to ours and so a plan is set in action to have people shipped over there to make more room. Shit breaks, stuff goes wrong, and everything is dark and metallic.

To be absolutely counter intuitive, this isn't a film I was actually planning on skipping. When it first released I had no idea what it was and more or less just let it sail past me, but recent talks around me got me interested and so I thought I would check it out for myself.

First thing that caught my metaphorical eye was the soundtrack. While somewhat modern, it also felt like it had a tinge from the horror of old. While by no means fantastic or inspiring, it was a step above just throwing tense ambient sounds into the mix.

Second thing, the lighting. I understand a lot of the criticism of sci-fi horror, because visually many of them do look alike. The fact of that matter is, though, that how else would you design a tense atmosphere in a spaceship? The structure is reasonable considering the direction technology is going, and having the dank, dark steel corridor sort of triggers your reaction by itself now.

The most important part of this film to me, though, was the structure of it all. This film could have derailed itself in all sorts of ways, but it managed to keep itself tight throughout most of its playtime. I think the perfect comparison would be Neil Marshall's The Descent. Much like Marshall's work, Pandorum relies heavily on the mystery and darkness to propel fear, but after everything begins to clear up little by little, the film picks up the pace into more of an action setting. It all goes back to my belief that the less you see, the more you are afraid. The over exposure usually kills the tension in a horror film, but if you shift the whole film with the exposure, it all flows much easier with much more effect.

As far as the weaknesses go, while the characterization of each of the survivors was clear, they felt a little cliche. I don't want to delve too much into the story so you are able to go in as blind as I did, but one character in particular had an action sequence which, while it could have been effective in another film, just felt out of place in the reasonable reality that was already constructed so carefully. However, that being said, I would not be lying if I said that had someone wanted to shoot Alien now instead of so long ago, knowing the conventions of popular cinema today, it probably would have come out something like this.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Think The Descent with an Alien twist to it all.

Grotesque (2009; Koji Shiraishi)

Way back when I reviewed a movie called Noroi, which was themed similarly to the Blair Witch Project. In said review I also said the director had made other films themed off of the long-black-haired-girl craze in the form of "Ju-rei" and "Kuchisake-onna". Sprinkled onto the end was a little note containing the title and genre of his newest work, Grotesque. It seems it is time to leave the hair behind and go for a modern day torture porn flick. Awesome.


What to put into the summary... well, two people who just started dating get tortured.

You see the thing is, much in the vein of what Eli Roth wanted to do (but US censors didn't want him to do) Shiraishi brings back the certain flavor that torture porn films need. "Grotesque" comes straight to its point at the very beginning and doesn't stay longer than it wants to. The whole genius of this piece comes with the fact that Shiraishi got to make exactly what he had in mind; a brutal and explorative adventure into torture and rape that doesn't bother with the modern nonsense it doesn't require such as character development.

That isn't to say that this movie has no inner themes to it. You might be able to pull out some ideas about love (strangely enough) or something silly like that, but then why are you watching this film of all things? On that note, why was it necessary to include those things at all? I know I said Shiraishi's genius was his ability to do away with unneeded garbage, but that wasn't exactly true. It was just about 95% true, which is a lot closer than most people come.

The problem with Grotesque, however, begins a little past the half way mark. We are shown a very surreal series of scenes that didn't quite fit the relentless butchery that had been thrown into our faces up until that point. While I have mixed emotions about that segment of the film, it is not the only piece that will yank you back into reality. Near the ending the film takes a sudden, unwarrented change in tone that kills some of the final impact of it all. It felt sort of like a cop out when Shiraishi had already taken it so far.

Do these segments ruin the film? Hardly. I give kudos to Shiraishi for his attempt at updating the torture genre. The torture itself, being the main focus in the first place, is very vivid and can easily succeed in making any normal person look away in disgust. It is just a shame that the atmosphere had to be broken in a way that it could not be repaired.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Would you die for someone you love?

Sling Blade (1996; Billy Bob Thorton)

A film highly overlooked by most people due mostly to the monolithic success that was Forrest Gump, Sling Blade is... wait a minute. I never review anything up here...


Much better. Well, I might as well do the plot first too... Karl, a mildly handicapped individual, is put into a mental hospital after killing his mother and her lover at a very young age. Fast forward a few years and now it is time for Karl to be released as an adult to create a life of his own. With great unease the hospital releases him, and we get front row seats to just how adapted Karl is.

Alright, now to backtrack, Sling Blade was regrettably ignored by most people (myself included... but I was 6, give me a break) during the colossal reign of Forrest Gump. I'm not saying Forrest Gump didn't deserve the attention, but we need to learn to spread the love a little more.


The first moments of the film where we witness Karl's interview with a young girl writing for her school newspaper and then his eventual release set an unforgettable tone of unease. This is our first introduction to Karl, and we are thrown right in with the rest of the characters as we try to figure out whether Karl has really recovered. This part of the film seals the deal as to why Forrest Gump won out. The light-hearted sides of film tend to sell better.

That isn't to say that the entire film has a serious tone about it, that is. In actuality, the film does have quite the mixture of emotions thrown into it with great success. Add on top of that a great timely soundtrack to fit the southern atmosphere and baby, you got a stew going.

The only thing I can dock this film for is the lack of replay action it will get (which is another contrast to Forrest Gump). This film is a beast (two and a half hours or something like that) and it just didn't feel like the material was enough to warrant frequent repeats (it was damn close, though).

Score: 4/5

Notes: Hades (Some people call it Hell, but I call it Hades)

Kourei (2000; Kiyoshi Kurosawa)

Kiyoshi Kurosawa is a big name in the J-horror circle, however he is a man I have more or less ignored for mostly monetary reasons. The only other work I have seen of his before this one was his very popular Kairo. There is one thing that becomes apparent from watching either of the previously stated pieces, and that is that Kurosawa has quite an eye for camera.


A psychic is out to prove herself as real with the help of a college student. She is given the opportunity to when a young girl gets kidnapped off of a playground, but things go wrong, shit goes down, etc...

I have a problem with movies dealing with psychics. It's not so much that they are bad plot devices, it's just that I get so sick of them because I know "psychics" in the real world are just people robbing others of their money. I can't help myself from getting annoyed whenever I see one on film, even if they are "real" in terms of the story. It would be unfair for me to dock this film for that however, but I just had to get it out there.

As I stated earlier in the introduction, Kurosawa's mastery of the camera is very much apparent. He uses everything from slow crawls, first person perspectives, and room sweeps all to their fullest potential. He tries his hardest to get everything he can from his chilling sequences. Speaking of which...

Kurosawa also presents his chills and scares very effectively. He is not shy in showing you what the characters see, and he tries his hardest with the use of a limited score and effective camera to make every second of it count. He also doesn't use cheap shots to try and scare you; he uses an effectively built up atmosphere to slowly build up a lingering sense of paranoia.

So is there anything wrong with it? While Kurosawa does build the atmosphere he wants, the films slow pace sometimes works against it instead of for it. There is also a reference to Dopplegangers that is played with but sort of just becomes neglected. While this may look like your average J-horror film on the outside, it plays very much different from your Ju-on's and your One Missed Calls. This is very much a low key, brooding piece meant to haunt you long after it is over. So while it's pacing halters it slightly, Kurosawa achieves what he set out for in the end, giving this film a score of...

Score: 4/5

Notes: Long. Black. Hair. Again.

Jacob's Ladder (1990; Adrian Lyne)

It has taken me a long time to thing of something to write as an introduction to this review. I had all these wonderfully constructed things to say in my mind about the movie, but nothing as an introduction. Then I finally gave up and put this.


Jacob is a Vietnam veteran who has returned home to New York (I think it was New York... whatever, just Big City X). He had gotten a doctorate degree, been divorced, and is now dating a woman who works at the post office with him (despite his doctorate, yes). His life starts to go off has he begins to flashback to a certain day in Vietnam where his platoon was attacked and he, himself, was injured. His flashbacks begin to manifest themselves into reality, having an effect on his health and daily life. As to prevent giving away much else, the rest of the film is him combating his flashbacks and memories of his past.

I find it hard to limit myself to such a summary of this film. To really get a grasp on what I am going to try and explain to you, you really just have to watch it for yourself. This film is so heavily event driven that reviewing it will be hard without being able to directly reference certain events. I will try and express what I can anyway, however, as I feel this is a neglected film that needs to be heard.

Jacob's Ladder is for all extents and purposes, a film about a man's struggle within himself. While that is pretty generic sounding, you have to realize that it really is a man's struggle within himself. The genius of Lyne's work is that he makes all the events, no matter how disturbing, completely grounded into reality on some sort of level. This is very important in the impact of the film as it drives you so strongly convinced of reality until the last scene of the film.

The whole film is built off of dual meaning. While you are watching the film, every event is both significant in the life of Jacob as he perceives it, and as a symbol in the struggle he is having. I am trying to drive home to you that this film is a lot deeper than just gore and drama on screen.


I know the previous segment will be hard to follow without having actually seen the film, and I apologize that I really can't simplify it anymore. I needed to stress the importance of the symbolism so that people don't walk away feeling the ending as some sort of cop-out. That could completely ruin the whole film for them, and they don't even realize they are missing out on what they really just saw. Now I will discuss some of the more technical aspects I usually cover so that there is at least one part in this review people who have yet to watch this movie can grasp.

At first I was weary as the camera felt sort of dull and unmotivated to really capture any scene with any real form of emotion. However, I quickly found out how wrong I was as the film threw me into some of the most wonderful visuals I can remember seeing in recent history. The soundtrack is unmemorable (there might not even be one... that is how forgettable it is) and is the only truly real disappoint in my mind at the moment. That rounds off this review with a...

Score: 4/5

Notes: Hippy Scientists, No Post-Production Special Effects

Kill, Baby... Kill (1966; Mario Bava)

I shall once again delve into the classics of cinema with one of Italy's finest, Mario Bava. While never achieving the same fan base in the United States as his son, Lamberto, later would, many would argue Mario Bava is well deserving of the same, if not more, attention that his son would later recieve.


In a small, nearly abandoned town a curse looms over all who still live there. When one of the younger women in the town mysteriously dies, a "big town" inspector and doctor are called in to find out what really happened. They remain troubled, however, as no one in the town is willing to give them any sort of answer. It quickly becomes apparent to them that the people living within the small town are incredibly superstitious, and if they want to try and figure out what happened to the woman they must try and find out the past of the cursed town.

While Kill, Baby... Kill treads a very familiar ground in ghost tales, it is driven so wonderfully by Bava's eye with the camera, the unsettling score, and the entire cast's performances that no new ground needs be broken to make it a perfectly competent piece of art. Through watching Bava's work, you can very clearly see where another, more modern master got his inspiration. The colors, score, and general atmosphere of the film show a clear relation to the finer works of Dario Argento.

Some of the imagery is absolutely wonderful. Certain sequences, such as a collage of images in a nightmare sequence, can be truly frightening at times. We have all seen the parade of long haired Japanese preteens popping out at us recently (with mixed results) but the ghost Melissa in this movie easily tops the list as one of the most genuinely terrifying.

Bava's use of the camera is inspiring to say the least. While certain scenes show off true potential, he carefully skirts around coming off as too over confident in his skills. When you put on top of that his truely awe inspiring use of colors you create a visually stunning piece. The only real problem was that the script could not keep up with the excellence of everything else that was treating our senses.

It's like having to eat the greatest bowl of ice cream you've ever had but running out of sprinkles half way through.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Cobwebs, Spiderwebs, and a Scary Little Boy

*IMDb the last note if you can't figure it out yourself*

The Midnight Meat Train (2008; Ryuhei Kitamura)

Ryuhei Kitamura is a director many people have been keeping their eyes on. His eye with the camera is quite remarkable and most people would have trouble denying that (his action cutting is another story). When his popularity had grown so much that he was asked to direct an American horror film, I will admit I was very intrigued. It also brought to mind the time when he was asked to direct another film outside of his expertise, Godzilla. While never witnessing this film, the word on the street is that even his most dedicated fans had to turn away in disgust.


A small time photographer finally gets his shot at a larger scale show. The only problem is that the head of the show says his work is a little too shallow and he needs to dig just a little deeper into the city's underbelly to achieve real masterpieces. He tumbles upon a mysterious man who only boards the trains at night and he decides to try and figure out the reason why.

It turns out that Kitamura actually does have more than just one (action) trick up his sleeve. While his style is still very much present in the film via slow motion and heavily stylized kill scenes, the film definately has the feel of something very new to him.

First off, while his characters are not poorly constructed or poorly acted, they still feel a bit... bland. They just come off as any other American couple in any other American film (The Grudge's character come to mind as another example of this). While stereotypes can be helpful in films, this is not one of them.

I want to touch back for a minute upon the idea of Kitamura's camera. Word on the street is that some people feel that this film is a bit over directed. Meaning, he went way too far out of his way to try and make this film look so good it just looks like shit. I disagree. If you understand Kitamura's background, his touches feel very much normal for him and are not that far of a stretch with the material used in this specific film.

Now to speed up the rest of this so I have time to rest and try and get healthy. The colors used fit wonderfully with the rest of the film. The blue tones used in the subway car fit perfectly (and are also quite natural). The soundtrack isn't very memorable, but is at least competent. What is the point I am trying to get at? This film is a combination of the expertise of a very competent director and the average-ness of someone who obviously doesn't work in this genre mixture very often.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Ted Raimi, Conspiricies, and Mushroom? Chest

The Last Broadcast (1998; Stefan Avalos & Lance Weiler)

As stated many times before, I love mockumentaries.


That is all I have.



Two men (pictured above) run a small time television show that is quickly losing it's crowd. In order to get some attention back, they decide to do a live broadcast of them hunting down the Jersey Devil. They hire two other men to accompany them into the woods and then everything falls apart. Three of the men are murdered and the fourth is determined to be the guilty one. What we watch is a documentary about the case and how the host feels that the fourth man is very much innocent.

My reviews on mockumentaries always have to be short due to the fact that not much can be said about the cinematography or score. This leads me to a very blunt point... if you enjoy this style of cinema, you will very much enjoy this film. If you however have no fondness for this ilk of film, then you should just walk away, because apart from the ending, no "new" ground is struck with this one.

Any of you who cared enough to reach this point.. this is for you. I feel this film lovingly crafts a murder mystery in with a spice of horror all wrapped up in my favorite bow of mockumentary reality. From the get go we are bombarded with facts from the case that seemingly pointed to the fourth man as the guilty party, but as the digging becomes more intense, more evidence comes to light that makes us not as sure as we were before.

The reason I am going to knock points off of the final score is for the ending. While it was a gutsy move to pull, I felt that a more... Blair Witch ending would have fit better. If you see the film you will understand what I mean.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Mockumentary on a Documentary

My Bloody Valentine (1981; George Mihalka)

Ah, yes, My Bloody Valentine. A classic slasher-esque film that has spawned everything from a group of pre-teen sounding boys moaning into microphones like little girls to a sequel that is rumored to come out sometime next year.


This film is one in well... six thousand or so slasher films that has a faceless weapon wielding killer who takes out obnoxious teenagers for the good of us all...

Anyways...

The regular rules to slashers apply here, such as the completely dull camera and the overacting (or just plain bad acting) teenagers that you want to get killed a little faster. However, simply because it is a slasher, we can completely overlook that because you know all of that, and in fact, want all of that to happen in your slashers.

However, we must examine the film on other grounds. The sound effects are decent enough, and the kill scenes try too hard to be actually tense. The blood is in it's fair share of scenes, but not quite as heavy as I would have wanted. The adults are in their usual know-too-much-yet-do-too-little fashion. All in all, the movie just rounds up to be the safest, plainest, most generic slasher one could ask for. Is that bad? Not at all, but at the same time, it isn't great either. Spend your time watching the more well known and better crafted slasher films if that is really what you are after.

Score: 3/5
for slasher fans
Score: 4/5

Notes: Valentines, Pick Axe, Heart-Shaped Box

Camping del Terrore (1987; Ruggero Deodato)

"You know what I think about Democracy... let alone campers".

Yeah, that's right. That is a quote from this movie.


This is a slasher film, so what do you honestly want me to say? There are kids who go camping and get knifed.

Going into this, the first thoughts I had were as follows.

1. It is a Ruggero Deodato film, so I can expect some original kills, a decent to wonderful soundtrack, and some well executed camera work.

2. It is an 80's slasher, so some terrible acting, poor script work, and teenage nudity.

Can you guess how much of that was accurate? Yeah, all of it. We are treated to a delightful soundtrack that is truly leagues above the rest of the film. I mean seriously, I find a lot of his music to be absolutely amazing.

The kill scenes and the killer himself look fine, which helps lend a little credit to the awkward performances by the killee's. I can't really move around this review very much because it is almost like slashers have their own set of rules so nitpicking isn't going to get me very far. So instead of me trying anymore, I will just leave it as this.

This movie blends Deodato's style of film making with the genericism (that isn't even a word, I bet) of 80's slashers. In even shorter terms, this is the perfect film for any slasher fan or any Deodato fan.

Score: 3/5
or for Deodato/Slasher fans
Score: 4/5

Notes: This film represents my first review of a group of films I received from the wonderful chaps at wtfdvd's. Check them out at wtfdvds.com

To find this specific film go to wtfdvds.com/all-dvds-1/body-count-aka-camping-del-terrore-dvd-1545.html

The Ladykillers (2004; Joel & Ethan Coen)

Ah, how I do love the Coen Brothers. I am sure it won't take me long to get most of their movies up, so to at least bring a flimsy curtain of variation in my reviews, I am going to simply scramble the order in which they are reviewed as to keep you guessing which Coen film is next. How exciting.


A widely different group of people are brought together by a "ring leader" of sorts (Tom Hanks with an obnoxiously funny laugh) to try and rob a casino in a small Mississippi town. I know I have been shying from horror lately, but that is just to prevent this site from being bogged down in it and nothing else. I have a feeling an influx of horror reviews will come soon after as I will feel that I have neglected the genre, but whatever. It's my site.

In this venture into cinema, the Coen's managed to once again take "bad" people and make them lovable. Everyone will find at least one of the gentlemen they can bond with and enjoy. Each one is frequently making the best (for us) of each situation as we laugh at what they will do for money. It even includes my favorite Coen trademark; the repeated lines of dialogue.

The camera feels a tad bit uninspired for a Coen film, but only a tad. Not like moving from a $600,000 home to a $100,000 home, more of a $600,000 to a $550,000 (you lose your added garage space or a few extra outlets in the basement). The score fits wonderfully with the setting and never out stays it's welcome.

As for criticisms, the ending was sort of seen from a mile away, and while not always a bad thing, it just seemed too generic, like as if you see a pretty blonde girl, only to approach her and find out her shirt says "I'm a princess". Sure, she is still pretty, but having that worn down attitude makes it a little less attractive.

And no, it isn't just you. I did use two long winded analogies in one review.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Yes, he did bring his bitch to the Waffle Hut.

Nochnoy Dozor (2004; Timur Bekmambetov)

Why do I use the original Russian title? Because that is the first title I heard when I first learned about this movie, and I believe it sounds a lot better then "Night Watch". There is nothing wrong with the English title, I just think Nochnoy Dozor steps up the bad ass..ness? (ity?) one more notch.


So the supernatural world in split into two halves, the bad guys and the good guys. In order to end the constant war they fought, they decided to reach an agreement. The bad guys would set up the Day Watch, which would regulate the good guys, and the good guys would set up the Night Watch, which would regulate the bad guys. I use the terms "good guys" and "bad guys" loosely, because a main theme... oh wait... I am supposed to save this for later. I am too impatient with this step, time to speed it up. Modern day, fighting, something, movie ends.

Alright, now, I use those terms loosely because a portion of the film feels dedicated to showing that just because their titles might try to imply their motives, you can never be too sure.

The entirety of this film has a very fresh and unique feel. Aspects of certain mythical creatures (Vampires, for example) are created to add a new depth. A new world for the supernatural is created (with it's own cinematography) to explain the movies own mythology. The construction of the supernaturals entering and exiting the natural world feels smooth and understandable. The characters are not dressed up all pretty (sorry, no mall goth heart throb vampires) as to the point of being ridiculous.

The cinematography is absolutely gorgeous. We trace through the wires of a doorbell as it rings, we follow a bolt as it falls from an airplane and ends it's trip inside an apartment of one of the important characters. The camera shifts between steady mid-range dialogue shots, to shaky, almost natural, face shots.

One part of this movie that is very uncharacteristic of me is the fact that I enjoy the computer animations used in the film. Computer animations play a large role (due to the subject matter) but the effects never kill the mood and tone that is already set.

If I had to find a weak point in the film, it might be that while genuinely enjoyable, most people would find the cluster of new ideas to be a little too chaotic. Chaotic to the degree that some aspects of the film lose a lot of the impact that was intended. While this flaw depends largely on the person and can be corrected with a second or third viewing, a movie deserving a ten should not have to defend itself with more then one sitting.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Naked Owls, Supernatural Abortion

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975; Milos Forman)

I figured I would throw in some more old movies for you to enjoy. Keep up a little variety on here.


A criminal convinces the system he is mentally ill and get into an asylum. He then slowly bonds with the real mentally ill as he plans his escape out.

I am going to try and be hip again by changing my style up a little. The first part I am going to comment on is the performances by all the actors. Absolutely superb. They are all completely flawless and believable, and never feel like they are pushing their part too far. On a character study such as this, it really was essential to believe the bonds of the people in the hospital.

The camera is pretty plain, but at the same time well executed plain. While sticking with pretty generic angles, the shots have a wonderful sense of balance to almost (but not quite) make up for it. The score is a lot of fun, and seems to lend a lot to the tone of each scene as they play out.

Since it has been coming up in several reviews, I would like to point out that this is a good example of how to craft a longer movie. The pace is kept solid without ever tapering off or speeding up. Twists in the story keep the movie fresh, and it never feels obvious (and at the same time, never feels too spontaneous). That doesn't mean boring thriller twists, just general changes in the direction of the story. If it had a twist such as split personality, I don't think I could give it a score even remotely close to...

Score: 4/5

Notes: Indian Chief, Lobotomy, and Basketball

Predator (1987; John McTiernan)

Okay, I have to get this off my chest. This movie is simply the epitome of a man's movie. You have huge explosions. You have men walking through the middle of battlefields without any cover. You have completely unnecessary weapons the size of the men themselves. Witty one-liners while killing people. Every part of this movie screams manly.


Group of hard ass rescue soldiers right out of body builders weekly are called in to rescue a diplomat. The rescue mission goes wrong, and the "forest comes alive".

Everyone who has been consciously aware of life around them pretty much knows this film, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't review it anyway. People who have trouble with the fact that this is a very exaggerated, manly movie might want to just stop reading the review here.

The film, for what the stereotypes are worth, are in fact well acted, and do give personalities to what seem like pretty two dimensional characters. The soundtrack and score are pretty much right on with it's generation. The camera is pretty basic; sitting still with dialogue and sweeping with gun fights. However, it does have a few moments (running in front of one of the men) and due to what the film calls for (pretty much a monster flick), it doesn't need to be anything more then that.

The effects are, while not quite up to date, plenty to carry the story along, and by no means bad enough to distract from the tension and claustrophobia. Speaking of claustrophobia, the films environment is very well constructed. Even though the entire film is shot in a wide open jungle, we can't help but feel trapped with the manly men as they find themselves cornered in the open. They have everywhere to run, but nothing to gain from it.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Big Guns, Manly Men, and Explosions

Burn After Reading (2008; Joel & Ethan Coen)

This review will be biased. I have a very strong... fondness for the Coen Brothers.



Look at them! Don't you just want to run up and take them...



Burn After Reading. Okay, so, in the most basic degree (very basic) a group of very dumb gym employee's (and owner) get a hold of a disc that previously belonged to an CIA agent (Malkovich with exceptional brilliance). They decide they should try and get some money off of the transaction, because as far as they are concerned, it could be one of the most important documents to exist in the USA.

To bring some excitement to this site, I am going to start employing new styles to keep things fresh. I will be hip. To launch this new wave of hip, I am going to change the order. I will start with the camera.

The camera, in true Coen form, stays reliably fresh, always seeming to find all the right corners at all the right times. Excitingly explorative (not a real word, it turns out), yet in a simple and consice manner.

The biggest problem I had with this film was the beginning. The first thirty minutes felt like a very slow drag into what is supposed to be (I assume) a faster paced film. Some of their jokes are not as succesful as I would have hoped, yet not complete duds either.

Back to positive now (told you I am hip). The dialogue, also true to Coen fashion, has their traditional awkward feel, which seems to always add to their dark comedy tones. Next point is, while I am sure this will get me crap, that I found the... structure of the film well crafted. The constant feeling of a grand scheme building up, yet there really is nothing to build. I felt that, while most likely leaving most people disappointed or frustrated, really was the genius behind the film.

So with a most likely violent shit storm for doing this, I give this film a...

Score: 4/5

Notes: Dildo Throwing, Nathaniel Fisher Sr. (that one is for me)

Suicide (2001; Raoul W. Heimrich & Yvonne Wunschel)

I must say that this was one hell of a film to track down. It only had one R1 release, from Troma, and was discontinued (or out of stock for a very, very long time) and whenever you type in the title, you get Suicide Club, Suicide Kings, and Suicide Girls. I managed to get myself a copy (bootlegged, but whatever, I got to see it) and it was worth the search.


Yeah, it really is that hard to find a picture. All I could get was a minuscule cover from the Troma release. Moving on, this film is a mockumentary about a couple who film people committing suicides for a website. That's it.

If you read other reviews of this movie, you will hear people complain that no one, not even the couple shooting the film, get enough attention to develop a real sense of character to better understand their motives. I disagree. I feel over the brief time we see the actual couple, we get a real sense on a lot of their feelings about what they are doing. They themselves seem confused at times as to what is really happening. The man keeps convincing himself that he will only shoot one more, but then some force draws him back again. As the body count rises, we really begin to get a deeper insight about who they are as a couple.

I must give a lot of credit to the suicides. As these desperate people tell their stories for the camera, you almost get the feel that what you are watching is real. I was tricked several times by their desperation and anguish. The struggle of the couple to keep the film going gives the feel that the movie actually has progression, instead of just scene after scene of people killing themselves. It really sort of ties it together and gives it a solid conclusion.

Not much can be said about the score (because there is none, it's a mockumentary) or the camera (because you should already know the style... it is a mockumentary). This makes it easier for me to concentrate on the story being told without having to worry about a poor choice of song or what not.

However, due to the subject matter and how it is made, this film relies very heavily on the special effects to carry along it's validity (or pseudo-validity). It is a mixed bag here, with some truely convincing death scenes, and with some very obvious fakes. Those fakes kind of lag down the film, because then (even though you already know it's fake) it has you looking for how fake the others are. This gets distracting.

Not to be cruel, and it doesn't really matter much, but because it is Troma, the subtitles had quite a handful of grammar errors to keep you equally frustrated throughout. So with that one major grip about effects (and one minor about subtitles) that leaves this film with a...

Score: 4/5

Notes: Dicks, Murder (In a Suicide Movie :) )

Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984; Charles E. Sellier Jr.)

When it comes to christmas horror movies, there is absolutely no shortage. The idea of a warm, chubby Santa visiting just makes the soon-to-be-victims feel so at ease. Unfortunately, people seem to think not letting go of this idea will make it better. Whatever. Bring it on.


Fuck, I hate this part. Young Billy (Bill, William, What-have-you) goes to visit his grandfather when he is young. His grandfather is in a mental hospital sitting around, apparently unable to talk. As his family steps out of the room for a minute to see what the doctors think of their poor grandfathers condition, the old man glides his eyes over to Billy and tells him to beware of Santa Clause. I forgot to mention that this is on Christmas Eve, but whatever, it is a Christmas movie, and he is talking about Santa Clause, so I suppose I really shouldn't need to spell it out. On the way home from the mental place, they run into a man in a Santa suit who seems to be having car troubles. The man turns out to be a psycho, and proceeds to kill Billy's parents.

Billy grows up, is haunted by that night, and blah blah blah starts killing people dressed as Santa. Look, I tried to get detailed, but I just couldn't take it any longer. It had to end.

For what I expected to just be a nice night with a shitty movie ended up being a nice night with a pretty enjoyable film. I can not stress this enough however, do not take this movie seriously. If for one minute you actually try to watch this as a serious movie, just shut it off. While this film offers some pretty decent gore, I personally don't find gore itself very serious. I find it is only serious when the tone of the film as a whole is serious (see any comedy/horror in existence as proof of this).

Like I just said, this film displays some fair amount of gore, (and like I didn't just say) a good amount of nudity, and a decent amount of those two combined (see the still above). As anyone remotely interested in horror knows, those ingredients never get old (mixed together is always preferred... I am not creepy at all).

So what I guess I am trying to get at, is while this film really doesn't prove itself as a gem (no inspiring camera or color work) if you approach it with a light heart, you will find yourself having a fantastic time.

One last thing to point out: I really enjoyed the score in many parts of this film, so if you have the pleasure of watching this piece, take note of it.

Score: 4/5 (Slasher Score)
or
2/5 (Taken Seriously)

Notes: Nun Sex, Spanking

Rogue (2007; Greg Mclean)

I don't care what people say, no matter how corny monster movies are made out to be, and no matter how many people claim they are above that, there is nothing like sitting down to a good one to have a few laughs and jumps.

Rogue, a very new addition to the monster movie table brought to us by a fairly new face to the horror world (and who has actually made quite a name for himself already) Greg McLean. Okay, by the amount of bias I have already thrown at you, you can already tell I really loved this movie, so I will just move along and spill my love affair later.

If it is not already obvious, I try my hardest to find excuses to make summary's as short as possible. There are two main reasons (and a million minor ones) as to why I do this. The first reason is that I hate spoiling much of anything in a movie, because even the slightest details might be important to the films construction of atmosphere as a whole. The second reason is I am a lazy bastard. Anyway...

Our hefty crew of characters (always need a hefty crew for monster flicks) are taking a tour (or giving one) of the Outback (steakhouse). Who they really are never matters in a monster flick (ever) so I will just skip that and say they act good. Our hefty group is then put in a spot of bother when a very big crocodile (yeah, get over it) punctures their boat (well, really, it only belongs to one of them) leaving them stuck on a very small patch of land (Gilligan). The rest of the film follows the hefty group as it gets less hefty and they try to find a way to survive (witty).

Now for the compliments, which, if this movie is anything like a girl, will lead to me being a very happy man tonight. The first thing you notice when you start watching this is that the landscape is absolutely breathtaking. I mean, you might as well be watching the Travel Channel, because you are shown some shots that almost make Australia look habitable.

Rogue constructs itself very much like most monster flicks do (and should, any who don't follow these rules sucks) by starting off with a very light-hearted venture with a few silly jokes and a light score. The hefty (I knew I could use it again) group then is thrown into trouble (about 7 meters of it) which is followed by killing and running. Rogue showcases the perfect balance of these parts (in the right order too, I hate to see them getting killed before a monster even exists) which creates a throroughly enjoyable monster romp.

Does this film bring anything new to the monster table? Not a thing. We have a big crocodile. We have people getting picked off. We have an escape. This lack of anything even remotely close to anything newer than 1980 means I should probably take a point or two off of the score. The one part that does feel new about it is the use of amazing CGI and special effects, I mean, this croc looks real, and it looks angry. This complete lack of originality by no means detracts from the movie itself. You will leave this film with a content smile, having reaffirmed to yourself that monster movies are very much alive, and very much... well... kicking ass.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Fly Coffee, Hotel Reviews, No Human Emotions Added To Create Sympathy For Crocodile

Irreversible (2002; Gaspar Noé)

I am going to be completely blunt. This film almost perfectly demonstrates a balance between beauty and destruction.This film just goes from one extreme to the other so casually and smoothly you almost feel that such devastation and romance go together. We are voyeurs to the entirety of the act, floating so casually over each step.


The entirety of the film is not stretched, so we are really watching ninety-seven or so minutes of these peoples lives, yet the consequences of the acts performed in those drastic minutes are so far reaching it is almost incomprehensible. The story is unfolded to us backwords (Memento style for those who know it) and is infinetely more powerful. We are told the tale of a woman's (Alex; Monica Bellucci) night with her current boyfriend and her ex as they go to a party. She gets in a fight with her boyfriend and leaves to go home and sleep. On her way back, she goes through an underground tunnel where she is brutally raped. I am talking brutally. This has to be one of the most emotionally potent scenes in cinema. After they discover what has happened by seeing her on a strecher (whether she died from the abuse or trauma or is just unconscious we never know) the men take matters into their hands.

The cinematography only adds to the impact. We are flown around on a freeroaming camera that seems to explore every possible angle of certain rooms. That sensation of being floated around leads to the sense of us simply being voyeurs to the crisis as it unfolds, and never feels over done or distracting. The only time I can recall the camera sitting still is during the one time we beg for it to move.

The color pallette used during the first half is dramatically different then what is used at the end. We are completely drenched in dark reds and black to where when we are finally treated to the rest of the color wheel we feel liberated and the tense nature of the colors becomes non-existant. This, of course, corrolates directly to the events in the film, which means the only uncomfortable feeling you have when the rape is over and the film tones down is the haunting memory that will continue to play through your head for a long time to come.

The film plays with some very heavy themes as well. It dabbles with the importance of dreams and the powers of time. Near the end of the film, at the start of their day, Alex tells her boyfriend the events of her dream, how she was traversing through a tunnel of red until it suddenly broke in two. The point where her old life ends and her new life begins.

I could go on for a long ass time, but I will cut it off there, having only touched each area of the film I felt was important so that you will have a feel of the film, but not come to full grips with it until you are thown into Alex's life yourself. The only flaw that detracts from this film is that it will suffer from more then one viewing.

Score: 4/5

Notes: Performance Problems, Philosopher, Bondage (Not In Rape)